In a move that has stunned fans, baffled analysts, and thrilled students, Ohio State football has announced plans to install a fully operational “Touchdown Cannon” directly at the 50-yard line in Ohio Stadium. The initiative, part of a new game-day experience campaign dubbed “Shock & Awe Saturdays,” is intended to energize the crowd, intimidate opponents, and redefine what it means to celebrate a Buckeye touchdown.
According to university officials, the cannon—named the “Brutus Blaster” by popular vote—is a custom-engineered celebratory device capable of launching various celebratory materials into the air and across the stands. It will reportedly shoot bursts of confetti, t-shirts, foam buckeyes, souvenir mini-footballs, and at least one item that remains classified “for dramatic effect.”
“We wanted to do something big. Something no other program would dare try,” said head coach Ryan Day during a press conference that featured dramatic music, a fog machine, and a test firing that startled a flock of pigeons out of the scoreboard. “Ohio State has always been a leader on the field. Now we’re leading the touchdown celebration arms race.”
The cannon will be operated remotely by a student-led “Celebration Command Unit,” comprised of ROTC cadets, members of the marching band, and the engineering students who built the cannon in partnership with the aerospace program. They’ll be housed in a glass-enclosed booth known as “The Launch Pad” near the south end zone.
Early testing suggests the Brutus Blaster can fire celebratory material up to 120 yards with surprising accuracy. One prototype successfully launched a foam buckeye into the windshield of
