COLUMBUS, OH — In a stunning move that has left much of Buckeye Nation scratching their heads, Ohio State Football Director of Operations, Todd Grimsley, announced at a Monday press conference that the team will be abandoning its traditional high-powered passing attack in favor of the old-school, run-heavy triple option offense.
“We’ve looked at the numbers, the trends, and frankly, the soul of football,” Grimsley said, flanked by head coach Ryan Day and an oddly silent quarterback room. “It’s time to get back to what this sport is all about: deception, fullbacks, and pitch plays.”
The announcement comes just weeks after Ohio State landed a top-three recruiting class headlined by two five-star quarterbacks known for their arm strength and pocket presence — neither of which are particularly relevant in the triple option scheme.
Within hours of the announcement, several quarterbacks had reportedly entered the transfer portal. Sources close to the program say quarterback meetings were replaced with frantic phone calls to other schools, agents, and, in one case, a lacrosse coach.
“I didn’t even know what a triple option was until this morning,” one player told reporters anonymously. “I thought it was like a meal plan or something.”
Grimsley defended the decision, citing historical success. “Look at the service academies. You think Army and Navy are out there slinging it 50 times a game? No. And they play with heart,” he said. “Heart and wingbacks.”
Despite concerns from players, fans, and likely some assistant coaches who are currently Googling “veer offense,” the director remained resolute. “We will be faster, tougher, and more confusing. The defense won’t know if we’re pitching it, keeping it, or fumbling it. And honestly, neither will we.”
Coach Day, who is known for his quarterback development and spread offense expertise, nodded cautiously during the press conference but offered no direct comments. Analysts speculate this move could signal internal tensions, or possibly a secret plot to force Michigan to waste time preparing for the wishbone.
Recruiting coordinators are said to be scrambling to identify triple-option-ready athletes — ideally 5’9”, 180 lbs, and born in 1982.
Meanwhile, fans on social media have reacted with a mix of horror and satire. “Is Woody Hayes running the program from the grave?” one commenter posted. “We just modernized our offense, now we’re going full time machine?”
Still, Grimsley doubled down. “You can’t stop the triple option if you don’t know who has the ball,” he said with a confident grin. “And neither will we.”
Spring practice is expected to begin next week, assuming enough players remain on the roster.
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